Tuesday, February 16, 2016
I feel like I always come back to this. I'm reading a book right now called Anything by Jennie Allen. A very powerful book. Convicting to say the least. I love how she just pours her heart out, almost like you're right next to her having a deep conversation over coffee. I'm really enjoying every minute of it. It's brought me a little bit of peace too, and I love hearing about other people's walks with God. I'm tough, all around. I have a lot of fear, fear of not getting what God will give to me. Fear that I will fail. Fear that I'm not good enough. Fear that I'm not smart enough. Fear of truly, truly suffering worse than what I've ever experienced, which is not bad compared to most. Fear of being single for the rest of my life because I'm not deserving of ever being a Wife again. It's overwhelming. Yet, I ask myself, "why would I know any better than my Creator?" I don't. Period. There are so many things I would love to still do and see, I pray that things work out for the best. I also know I do have purpose. Something bigger than just myself and doing the everyday mundane. I have more to offer. Or don't I? Again, that insecurity creeps up on me and makes me doubt what I have to GIVE. As I sit here in one of my favorite restaurants in the city, Atlanta, I find myself thinking about all of this. I start a new journey on Monday, I hope it works out and that I absolutely LOVE it. I figure I'll give Atlanta one more shot. I mean what's the worst thing that could happen? I move back home in a year? Work at a winery in my hometown and get to travel more maybe? Who knows what God has in store for me in 2016, I just have to have Faith and trust that my journey will be exciting and filled with new things, things I can learn and be excited about. I'm adventurous, love to travel so I should probably not be so resistant about what is to come. But. But, what if it involves suffering? Am I willing... willing to suffer for Him?