Saturday, November 7, 2015


So it was the end of March and I had to make a quick decision as to whether or not I was going to stay yet another year at Lincoln Hills. I had already spoken OUT LOUD that I WAS moving in May when my lease was up and that was that! Well, I started sinking back in my despair because I still had a seed of doubt. I said to myself, "Screw it, what's another year in this depressing, run down apartment complex. I mean I've lived here six years why not go for seven!?" I was already pretty depressed so it didn't matter either way. The last Sunday of March I ended up going to a Women's Day that was at the Church I attended pretty regularly while I was Married. Not really knowing what to expect, I knew I would get something out of it and at least run in to "old friends." I also knew that God was nudging me to go. By the end I had taken a lot away from it. The stories of all the women who shared, hurts they had gone through and endured, never feeling good enough, putting their focus and energy on all the wrong worldly "things" and that they were always getting their self worth through the eyes of men, etc. but in the end God loved them through it all. Compassion. Real Love. The kind that you can only get from ONE and that is Him. Well, I left feeling really full and more hopeful than I had in a pretty long time. April came and so much good happened in that month I didn't even expect it. I got a raise from my job and I signed a new lease at the end of the month. NOT at Lincoln Hills. Immediately all I could think was, do I even deserve this? Counting up all my past mistakes and selfishness. Maybe I need to torment myself and make myself feel guilty!! Yeah! Why not? You see I'm really good about letting the Enemy get to me. Letting those inner demons tell me different. We all have 'em and it's so easy to slip into depression when you're continually doing that to yourself especially when you are listening to the crap, re-living your Past that you CAN'T change or trying to take back what may have happened and who you used to be. Maybe friends judged you? Family? Co-workers? Ex-boyfriends or girlfriends? I've definitely learned who I need to "let in" and who doesn't even deserve that priveledge. Words, actions, your Past will ALWAYS be brought up. Even if it's only you that's bringing it up in your head. Don't let it define you though. You can't change anything, move on. Learn from it. Seriously, Thank God I'm not running for President. Oh dear God. Every one of those canidates, their Past always gets brought up! Makes for juicy judgement and gossip right? I've also learned to do my best with just getting through the day sometimes. Not stressing about the next day. I'm not an uptight person so I also can't be around others with crazy anxiety and restless energy otherwise it physically makes me ill. A challenge I'm learning to get around where I work right now. I'm pretty compassionate so I really do my best to not go crazy when I listen to the anxiety of others. In my head, I may be but I try and bring balance and keep my calm around those that are having mental breakdowns at work. I also struggle with being around people that are OVERLY positive, it can have the same affect on me not to mention it's super annoying. Every day really is a battle of the mind. We have to be careful to not let our brains get the best of us. Grateful. Grateful for this day, even though it's now day 7 for rain. At least when I see the sun again I'll be even more grateful for that light. As a reminder that we may go through a lot of rainy days in our lives but at some point the sun is gonna shine. Learning to always be grateful even through the storms of life. You never know when your day will soon come.☀️

No comments:

Post a Comment